Man Shakes Fist Angrily at the Clouds

This feature us utterly useless to me. No, worse, it’s actually a hindrance to productivity.

I feel like I’ve been ranting and bemoaning “cloud-y” stuff a lot lately. And I don’t like that, because I understand it’s “the future” and “the best way to deliver software” and blah blah blah. But hear me out.

Some things just really need to stop. Or at least be rolled out in gentle, opt-in style phases where users can choose “Yes I’d like that feature” or “Nope, hard-pass”.

And as a million developers scream at me from the glare of their screens…

But seriously. Let me give you examples. And guess what? Because I primarily use Microsoft technologies at work, that’s what I’m going to put on blast. But they’re not alone, and they’re probably not the biggest offender. (Although their marketing department STILL baffles me.)


Planner is a sort of Trello/Project/virtual-whiteboard hybrid that comes bundled with Office Microsoft Office 365 (screw your new naming convention). It’s half decent. I mostly use it to prove to my bosses that “Yeah, I have a crap-ton of work in the backlog, so stop asking me if Thing X is done yet.”

The hierarchy of Planner goes like so: Plan, Board, Section, Task. Task is the “unit of work” that most Agile teams are familiar with. Many Tasks make up a Section (or lane, or column, or whatever); many Sections make up a Board, and a Board is part of a Plan (aka a Project).

Recently they pushed out an update that made it horrendously ugly for me. Why? Because they assumed that any time you put a LINK on a Task (a URL), it must have some cutesy picture or preview associated with it, and thus you should see that picture as a disproportionately large head-space on that task. But guess what all my links are? Ticketing system tickets. They don’t have a picture. Or best-case scenario, they’re all the exact same picture (of said ticketing system’s logo/favicon).

Thus, this feature us utterly useless to me. No, worse, it’s actually a hindrance to productivity. Because now my tasks take up more than twice the space, with zero added value.



Teams is MS’s answer to Slack. And in a great many users’ opinion, a poor substitute. I’m not an extremist in that camp; I can see its uses and the things it brings to the table, and I can generally use it on a day-to-day basis without getting frustrated. The video-conferencing capability is quite good, no complaints there.

So how have they done me dirty lately? Well, there’s this whole “double-click a user/avater to open a new pop-out window to chat with that user”. WHY? Why is this necessary? I already have the app open. Can you not just TAKE ME to the Chat tab to the conversation with that user?

Another thing. This isn’t a “new update” thing; this is a long-standing “Oh my lord I can’t believe they DESIGNED it this way, WHAT were they THINKING?!?!” thing. Files. Sending & receiving files. I get an picture, like a screenshot, from a user (that’s NOT a OneDrive link, because that’s a whole ‘nother can-of-worms). I click to download it. It goes.. where?

OH RIGHT. It goes to my ‘Downloads’ folder. That dumpster-fire, where everything from anywhere goes into, and nobody keeps it organized, and nobody knows how to find anything unless they’ve gotten smart enough to sort by Date Modified descending. Right, that.

But wait, the file name is even better. “MicrosoftTeams-image.png”. Oops, did you get another one? “MicrosoftTeams-image (1).png”. Another? “MicrosoftTeams-image (2).png” TOTALLY OBVIOUS what those are! Who could possibly get confused by that?!?

One last gripe. The freakin’ notifications. Do I really need to be notified every damn time someone gives one of my chats a “thumbs-up”? The notifications don’t even go away immediately! You have to literally go to the Notifications tab and CLICK ON IT, even if you were previously on that exact conversation in which the thumbs-up happened!

#SMH squared

old man yells at cloud
I’m not even over 40 yet… but I identify with this.


This last one is a bit controversial. See, in theory, every Chrome browser update is supposed to make the web more secure, by enforcing standards compliance and security practices and all that jazz. Great! Guess what? We live in the real world. People have favorites/bookmarks and desktop-shortcuts and the like. Companies run on-prem email servers hybrid-ized with cloud email providers (yes, lookin’ at you again, Office 365) and their end-users expect things to JUST WORK. Continously.

If they can’t get their email due to some strange new “certificate” error that shows up when the click their favorite Favorite, guess who they call? Nope, not Google (because what even is a phone? or a human?) — their own company helpdesk. And the hapless helpdesk tech says, “Gee, it works for me, what’s going on?” Then they spend an hour talking with their team trying to compensate for every different combination of user-level/environment/browser/network-configuration, only to end up creating a redirect in their cloud-based DNS overlay so that the user doesn’t have to think about certificates and mysterious “Oops! :(” errors anymore.

#SMH a third time

What’s the point?

I don’t know… not like I can do anything about the way these software giants conduct their development. Just… if you’re a developer and you read this, take a moment to consider your end users more. Please? Not everybody always wants all your new features. Yeah I get it, option-izing them makes things harder for you. Sorry. If you wanted an easy career you’re in the wrong field. Just consider it, at least.

T-SQL Tuesday 118: Fantasy Feature

It really shouldn’t be this difficult. But it is. And that’s why we get paid. Still, it’d be nice if load-testing were easier, wouldn’t it?

Aka “hey look at us Microsoft, we want stuff!!” Because they shut down Connect and its replacement (Azure Feedback aka rebranded UserVoice) is awful. Just plain terrible. In unrelated news, I’ve never been an MVP.. wonder why? 🙄😜

Anyhoo, this month’s invitation is brought to us by the lovely and talented Kevin Chant. He asks us to fantasize about SQL Server. No, not like that Erik, get your mind out of the gutter.

And I don’t apologize. At all.

This IS a complaint. But hopefully it’s also an idea for those who are better at building stuff than me to.. ya know.. build stuff.

And shout-out to my favorite fellow blogger Shane (@SOZDBA) who’s too polite for his own good. ❤

Load Testing is HARD.

Too hard. So hard that nobody does it. At least not productively, efficiently, or willingly. About the only times that I can personally point out an instance where I’ve actually buckled down and done something roughly comparable to a true load test (which I’ll talk about in a minute), was when I was forced to do so by my managers to prove that a hardware environment upgrade hadn’t gone awry, and that our servers truly were running at least as good as, if not better than, before.

But guess what? We never really proved anything conclusively. We had inklings, feelings, warm fuzzies.. okay maybe a DiskSpd output file or two.. which indicated that things were “mostly probably pretty good and kinda sorta better.”


What is “True Load Testing”?

a graphic representing software load testing
Something like that… maybe?

Glad you asked. Simply put, it’s the ability to execute these 3 steps, easily and efficiently, with minimal configuration overhead and without needing to pour agonizingly over tomes of docs:

  1. Capture and store a SQL server workload — i.e. ALL the transactions run against an instance in a given time frame — AND performance metrics from said instance while said workload was running.
  2. Run that captured workload against another SQL server instance, and capture THE SAME performance metrics.
  3. Compare results from each set of gathered performance metrics, with a concise, easy to understand rating system that tells you which instance ran better and why.

Now, could we argue that the “capturing” of #1 adds some overhead to the instance? Sure! So I’m fine with NOT gathering the performance metrics during the same window as the workload-capture. Put it off to step 2, where we replay said workload against 1 or more instances and measure the performance on them. So we could replay the same workload on the original instance, and a new one, and we’d have our two sets of measurements to compare.

Got me? Good.

The Plumbing is There

I know. I know what you’re screaming at your monitor/screen right now. “But Nate, that’s exactly what Distributed Replay is for!!”

Bruh, have you even USED Distributed Replay?!? It’s way too complicated to set up, let alone manage and operate. Remember what I said about tomes of docs? Yeah. ANGTFT.

That’s the sad part. Microsoft has built up the plumbing and scaffolding for all of this over the past few decades. But we’ve yet to see that final layer, that chrome polish and finishing touch that makes the user go “Ahhh, now THAT was an educational and enjoyable experience!”

red easy button
Staples’ trademark be damned!

Obviously when it comes to performance metrics we’ve got a huge wealth of knowledge in the system DMVs. Great! Now let’s condense and simplify those into like 4 key ratings of your instance, for those of us who aren’t Paul Randal or Glenn Berry.

Oh, 3rd party monitoring products you say? Sure! Great! Love em. Do they do what I just said? Nope. Because “it depends.” Anybody else sick of hearing that?

It Really Shouldn’t Be This Difficult

But that’s why we get paid. Because it is. And no matter how many cloud services Azure & AWS try to shove down our throats, the reality is that enterprises will continue to rely on human engineers to prove (or disprove) that NewFancyServerX is better than OldCrappyServerA for running YourTerribleSqlWorkloadZ.

Because we can’t architect perfection. And we live in the real world where business decisions and financial constraints have an actual measurable impact on our technology stack choices and roadmaps. So I’m not saying it’s inexcusable that we don’t have this — this easy, measurable, understandable toolset for performance-load-testing — yet. I’m just saying it’s mildly annoying. And perhaps a little frustrating.

With that, I think I’ve written two angry rant-y posts in a row, so I do apologize to you, dear reader (but not, and never, to Microsoft). I’ll leave you with this cute picture of my dog being ridiculous, because it always makes me smile. Til next time!

husky dog laying on back in silly position
doggo being doggo