Quickie: Remove Junk Apps in Windows 10

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go shake my fist at the empty air and scream into the void.

AKA “Crap that I uninstall immediately after a fresh installation of Windows 10.” It’s frankly mind-boggling how ridiculous it is that Microsoft continues to include junk like this with what is supposed to be “their best OS ever”. Granted, past versions of Windows came with their own fair share of bloatware/junk, but some of that stuff was REALLY amazing and useful, like the DVD Creator in Windows 7.

The Offensive

Here is my list of apps that I remove immediately with a fresh install.

  1. 3D Viewer
  2. Candy Crush whatever-the-hell-flavor-of-the-year-it-is
  3. Farm Heroes kill-me-now-with-these-stupid-games
  4. Feedback Hub – because Microsoft does not actually care what you think (or I wouldn’t be writing this, would I?)
  5. Mixed Reality Portal
  6. Mobile Plans
  7. Paint 3D
  8. Print 3D (notice a pattern yet?)
  9. Skype – dear god please kill this already. Unless you still use it… then you’re the reason MS keeps this arcane thing around, and you should #stopit.
  10. Tips – this may be a personal preference, but I find the built-in tips annoying and useless, so unless you’re brand-new to Windows 10, I say remove it.
  11. Weather – because that’s what your phone is for, silly. Do you really check the weather on your PC/laptop?
  12. Xbox
  13. Xbox Live
xbox microsoft stop it
Srsly.

Honorable mention: the ‘Game Bar’ (possibly sometimes called ‘Xbox Game Bar’), is not on this list (i.e. I leave it installed), because what it actually is, is a very useful screen-capture tool for recording a video (and/or stills) of your desktop and what you’re doing on it. So I could have, for instance, recorded a real live video of me going into the Settings page and uninstalling all these apps, and you could watch said video after I uploaded it to YouTube, instead reading all this boring text! What a world, eh?

Hit the key-combo ‘Windows+G’ to see it in action on your own PC. Hit Escape to dismiss it after panicking “omg wth did I just do to my computer?!?”.

The Tolerable (but Unnecessary)

And here are a few optional ones — I typically remove these from a “business-purpose” or “low-end” machine, but for an average end-user, they’re OK(ish).

  1. Groove Music – it’s not a great music player, but it’ll do if you don’t know any better.
  2. Microsoft Solitaire Collection – well, if there’s one thing everybody has ever done since the dawn of the PC, it’s play solitaire. So sure, I get it, it’s hard to let go. Fine, keep it if you must. I just don’t see the point anymore.
  3. Movies & TV – again, if you have nothing, this is a half-decent media player (think of it like old Windows Media Player’s love-child), but if you’re seriously into video watching on the computer, you’ll probably replace it with something better.
  4. Office – unless you’re actually planning on buying into their ecosystem with Office 365. Which I don’t disagree with – it’s a fine product, if you’re ok with paying the monthly/annual fees.
  5. Spotify – I’m not sure if this is always here, or if it was just on the machine I was working with at the time. But again, great, if you’re a Spotify user. Otherwise, why?

How To

instructions to uninstall apps on windows 10
OMG instructions!

In case you’re not sure how to uninstall apps — what used to be called programs, in the ‘Add & Remove Programs’ page of the Control Panel in Windows-past — simply hit Start, Settings, and go to Apps. In the ‘Apps & Features’ screen, scroll down the list of installed apps, select one, and click the ‘Uninstall’ button. On some of them, this button will be grayed-out (disabled), which means good ol’ Microsoft doesn’t let you remove it. Which is ludicrous for something like the ‘People’ app, that does god-knows-what and frankly should never have existed.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go shake my fist at the empty air and scream into the void. =P

Disclaimer: this was written in May 2020, as of Windows 10 version 1909. The native/built-in app list could change at any time if MS releases a major feature update. Which will cause more screaming. Welcome to OSaaS (Operating Systems as-a-Service).

How I Work from Home

Instead of relying on my home internet bandwidth, I simply RDP into my workstation that’s still physically sitting in the office.

This is like a month late, but I didn’t have anything for the latest TSQL Tuesday on Unit Testing. Kudos to those of you who are doing it… it’s REALLY HARD. Harder than it should be anyway.

So as we all started working from home last month, it dawned on me that, apparently, the way I work from home is drastically different than most everybody around me. And it got me really curious, whether this is sort of generally applicable IT workers, or whether I’m really the odd-duck!

a basic VPN diagram
Courtesy of Wikipedia.

The Setup

Probably like many of you, my primary workstation at the office is a laptop with a docking station hooked up to dual monitors and a full size keyboard and mouse. It makes going to meetings easier, and in theory I’m able to take it to the occasional conference. (I say “in theory” because, as I’ll explain in a moment, it rarely happens.)

Now, apparently the ‘norm’, at least for non-IT staff, is to take their laptop home, maybe with a dock & an extra monitor or two, fire it up, connect to the VPN, and off you go. Some people need printers and/or scanners, which makes it more complicated. But for now let’s focus on the typical knowledge worker that just needs a PC. And of course, if their workstation at the office is not a laptop, IT is tasked to provide them with one. Which, during this Coronavirus outbreak, has caused its own subset of issues with supply & demand at the big-box tech retailers.

Contrast that to me, and hopefully maybe some of you. I have the good fortune (or not, depending on whether you’d asked my wife early on) of owning a plethora of computing devices, most of which are at least suitable for running VPN & RDP (Remote Desktop). All of the, say, resources which I need access to and that I manage and manipulate on a regular basis, are in a data center, a big building with tons of racks of servers and gear and super-high-speed connections. And the office, of course, has a much higher-speed/bandwidth connection TO that data center than anybody does from their home. Some of you may see where I’m going with this.

The Why

So instead of relying on my home internet bandwidth to keep up with all the bandwidth-intensive tasks that constitute my workday — including, as my fellow DBAs will attest, dozens upon dozens of queries against the SQL Servers in SSMS — I simply RDP into my workstation at the office. Yes, my work laptop, which is still sitting in its dock on my desk in an empty (mostly) building. It’s the closest thing to actually being there.

Here’s what that allows me to do. All my network resources are just as quick and responsive as they are at the office. My code repositories and my Visual Studio windows are instantly available. My queries return results in milliseconds because they’re only traveling from the data center to the office. The only thing traveling the longer and slower distance to my house is the image of the screen from the work laptop. Make sense?

This is the same principle that drives some of these new “cloud gaming” services like Google Stadia or NVidia GeForce Now. The only thing you as the player really need is the continuous moving picture of the game, not all the hard work behind-the-scenes that it takes the GPU to render it. (Of course, the thing they haven’t really solved for is the input latency and the turnaround time of the player’s action being replicated on the screen and leading to the next action in the chain.)

a picture of an old desktop computer on a dining table with several other computers nearby.
Disclaimer: not my actual dining room. But at one point in history, it was pretty close.

Okay, I get it, it’s not for everyone

I understand some workers need more than that to do their jobs. And some folks don’t have the handful of spare PCs that I do. So I get it. Not everybody can or should work this way. But I was quite shocked that, out of all the folks I work with, I was the only who thought this was THE way to work remotely. Or at least the best way.

Surely, most people with a.. what we might call “gray collar” jobs — we work at a desk all day but we aren’t Wall Street and we don’t wear suits, so.. your typical middle class occupations, yeah? — anyway. We all have a workstation at the office. And surely we have at least one computer at home, even if it’s another laptop. Right? But no, apparently, the “tablet revolution” was a thing, and people don’t have big ol’ desktops or even traditional laptops at home much anymore.

Not only that, even if you could afford to invest in one FOR this season of mass-remote-work, you’d have had a bitch of time getting ahold of one, because everybody and their mother decided now was the time to buy. And not without good reason. Most of that purchasing was actually done BY the small-medium enterprise business market, because their IT departments had to buy a bunch of new laptops for their non-IT colleagues to take home for work!

Anyway.

I guess there’s not much of a big important point or lesson here.

Is there ever?

audience

If anything, I would encourage people to TRY working from home this way, if they have the resources to do so. It significantly lessens the burden on your IT folks, as long as your home PC that you’re using to VPN is secure. That’s really the biggest variable in this equation, and in some cases, it’s why they actually prefer to issue you a company-imaged/company-secured device instead. But, thankfully, with a few network and firewall tweaks, they can lock down the VPN traffic so that it doesn’t allow your home device to talk to anything BUT your own workstation — or at least, any computer in the “workstations” group. So yes, there are some trade-offs. But again, especially if your employer has had trouble keeping up with the surge in demand for “loaner laptops”, maybe suggest you try this way and see if it can work for you.

Stay safe, stay healthy, and be kind.

25 Years Ago in Gaming History

But NONE of these could hold a candle to the mind-bending stomach-churning six-degrees-of-freedom true 3D shooter that was Descent.

Descent.

When I say that word, what do you think of? Perhaps the 2005 horror movie based in a cave? Good film. Not quite there.

descent-1-rebirth-mission-brief-start
Mission briefing screen

“Prepare for descent…”

How about now? If you just got goosebumps up your joystick arm and tickly tingles in you trigger fingers, you’re my kind ‘a people. That’s right, my fellow four-eighty-six pilots, I’m talking about the game. The game of the year; nay, of the decade. The one that changed shooters forever. The ever impressive.. the one-contained.. the often imitated but never duplicated oh shi–.. Descent!

Yes, this game will forever live on in my memory as the pinnacle of 3D gaming from my childhood. The mid-1900s saw some killer game releases. Top shooters included Doom, Quake, Goldeneye, Wolfenstein, Half-Life, Unreal. But NONE of these could hold a candle to the mind-bending stomach-churning six-degrees-of-freedom true 3D shooter that was Descent. Bonus, since it didn’t involve killing humans (and thus, no gore) — evil robots were the enemy here — it was perfectly acceptable to my parents for a young 9-year-old Nate’s innocent eyeballs. The sheer rush of adrenaline as the ‘bots tried to ambush as you barely escaped with evasive maneuvers and turned around to blast them to bits… Pure nostalgic gold.

“But what the blazes are you going on about”, you may ask. Excellent question. Please see YouTube. It’s not the absolute greatest representation of the true 6DoF potential, but you’ll get the idea. And if you get a little queasy, a little motion-sick, that’s perfectly normal. Anybody who’s never played one of these before is likely to need some.. perspective.

descent-1-rebirth-gameplay-screenshot
Level 1, Lunar Outpost

Open-Source Developers are Awesome

Here’s why I love developers. Gather a few of ’em together around something they’re passionate about, and watch magic happen. Descent is 25 years old this year. It was made for DOS and Windows 95, as well as a few consoles. Heck, I even have the original CDs from the “Definitive Edition” pack (re-released a few years later). But there’s no way in heck they would run on modern computers with modern operating systems.

Enter open source. Thankfully, the Descent 1 & 2 source code was released to the public at some point. That’s like Christmas Day to developers — anybody with any programming skill could now peek and tweak at the code, even rewrite it from scratch. Two separate projects — called “source ports” — spawned from that seed: DXX-Rebirth, and D2X-XL. The former is simpler and more true-to-form, retaining as much of the original gameplay look & feel as possible, while still enabling it to run on modern systems and adding a few nice conveniences for the 21st century player. The latter is more of a “let’s see how far we can take this” philosophy, in that the author has consistently added many changes and enhancements to the core game mechanics and graphics that, while some players find appealing, I personally take it as “noisy”. But due to its popularity, there are even a number of levels (aka ‘missions’) that will only work with this version. And don’t get me wrong, the work is impressive, by any developer’s standards.

D2X-XL gameplay in revamped Level 1 Lunar Outpost
D2X-XL gameplay in revamped Level 1 Lunar Outpost

A Legacy Lives On

As with most legendary hit games, a dedicated “mapping & modding” community sprouted up around it. To this day, DescentBB forums are active, and a few members are even still making levels. I even tried my hand at it a couple times. I remember almost begging my parents to buy the re-packaged game box because it included the “Descent Mission Builder” software that let you make your own levels. Hours upon hours spent manipulating cubes and flying through tunnels to test. But nothing compared to the fun of playing through the true masterpieces of level-design produced by the most prolific builders of the day — they pushed the game so far beyond what the creators originally imagined, yet likely dared dream of.

A waterfall effect in D2X-XL
A waterfall effect in Descent 2 custom level “Alhambra”

OMG I Must Play!

Then have I got a page for you! Includes download links and step-by-step instructions for Windows users. Bonus, it’ll soon include my own hand-picked custom-levels pack (so you don’t have to sort through the piles of crap that accumulated from half-baked “level contests” and “archive servers” over the decades).

A Challenger Appears

Overload, a spiritual successor to the Descent series, and involving the very founders of Parallax, was released in 2018 after a successful Kickstarter campaign. I haven’t played it yet, but from the footage and reviews I’ve seen, it’s right at home in this game-hall-of-fame.

Overload gameplay screenshot
Overload gameplay screenshot

So what are you waiting for? Catch me on Twitch and watch me play, or go download all the goodies and check it out yourself!

See you in the mines!

Favorite tagline of many hot-shot pilots and level-designers.

Dirty Deeds Done in SQL

Yes, I wrote a loop to find a gap in an identity-value sequence. Sue me. (Or don’t, that’d be cool too.)

I’ve done some things I’m not proud of. We all do, in IT, typically when we’re under-the-gun for a deadline or when the systems and frameworks in which we work have some sort of nuance or limitation that we just cannot get around, past, or over. And so we hack. We write code we’re not happy with. We even write code that we despise with every fiber of our well-intentioned being. But it has to be done. Because there’s no other choice.

With that somewhat depressing introduction, I give you my latest “dirty deed, done dirt cheap” (or for a reasonable salary, but still very reprehensible for anybody who values clean code and clean architecture). Yes, this is an actual stored-procedure signature that I wrote. Thank gods it’s not integrated into any software; it just happened to serve a niche purpose at the time. But still! I felt ICKY.

cursors are bad mkay
Did you recognize the album art from the cover pic? Just wondering… 😉
/*
Description: Search for an available ID value in Category starting 
at the low end (i.e. find a gap), because it's aesthetically pleasing 
to have Root level Categories use low ID values. Yes, really.
But mostly b/c they need to be the same on DEV & PROD environments.
*/
CREATE OR ALTER PROCEDURE dbo.[GetNextAvailableRootCategoryID]
  @StartAtID int = 10  /*
      '1' is not used but we don't feel like starting THAT low
      (that'd be like "starting over" or "starting from scratch")
      You never get a checkbook with the first check# being '1', right?
      Wait, what's a checkbook?
      Ask your parents. Or your grandparents. */
  , @MaxID int = 1000  /*
      Throw an error if we can't find any gaps before this point */
AS
BEGIN
--and you can imagine how that went...
--something about a loop, a couple IF/ELSE's, a RAISERROR or two,
--and a RETURN @val in a B-tree(eeee).
END;

I know, I know. You’re saying “wow that’s really not that bad!”. Or “wow, you REALLY couldn’t do something better about the constraints to make it less terrible?” Again, time, priorities, and energy. What’s 10 minutes in the big scheme of things, even if the code is silly and perpetuates the bad decisions that came before it? Should the overlaying systems actually depend on matching ID values? NO!!! Obviously not. But was that even on the software development roadmap for the next quarter? Also no.

So, what’ve you got? Show me your dirty deeds done in SQL. It’s okay, nobody’s judging! Except yourself, if you’ve any skin in the game. We’re all our own worst critics. But if we can’t laugh at ourselves sometimes, what the hell are we doing here? =)

T-SQL Tuesday #122: Impostors!

Be humble, but be confident in your own expertise. Realize that you will sometimes be the teacher, and sometimes the student.

Howdy folks! It’s been a while. My last post was in October of last decade (har har)! I’ve been busy with other projects, work, and life in general. 🙂

Now, this month’s invitation is hosted by John Shaulis. I’m always excited to see someone in the #SQLcommunity that I’ve never heard of before. Looks like he’s familiar with the same WordPress templates as I am. Heh. I like it.

Side-note, I’ve been planning to buy my own domain and remove the ads here for a better reading experience (and more professional feel), so hang in there… it’s happening soon!

And now without further ado.

Who, Me?

Everybody reading this knows what impostor syndrome is. I won’t bore you with that. Fact is, if you’re in tech, you either have it or you know someone who does. If neither, well you’re probably a narcissist surrounded by other narcissists and you might wanna look for another job. Heh heh.

oh, get a job? just get a job? why don't I strap on my job helmet, get into a job cannon, and fire off into job land, where jobs grow on jobbies!
I think this is from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” but I’ve never seen the show.

Yes, You!

I’ll share a personal and ongoing example of where I’m constantly feeling “not good enough at my job”. It’s about server migrations. You know, where you take a running production SQL Server instance, and you have to move it to new hardware/infrastructure. Maybe it’s a physical (bare metal) cluster to a virtualized environment. Maybe it’s just one VM to another VM on a newer platform. It typically involves taking a maintenance window and convincing business stakeholders that the “downtime” is worthwhile.

Now surely we’ve all heard of DBATools by now, right? (If not, go there right now and check ’em out!) They were BUILT to do migrations. Yet I’ve not been able to successfully use them as the whole and ONLY toolset for that purpose. Let me clarify: I’ve used pieces of the framework (such as the copy logins / users command, and others) to HELP me in the migration project, but never been able to simply fire off Start-DbaMigration and go get coffee and watch as things magically successfully fall into place.

dog in a room on fire, casually drinking coffee, saying "this is fine."
It’s working EXACTLY AS IT SHOULD!

Couldn’t Be!

Even when I’ve built a beautiful check-list, lined up all my scripts, scheduled things via Agent Jobs, double-checked names and permissions and networks and drive letters and shares. Still, something inevitably goes wrong. Maybe it’s just that a database refuses to go into READ_ONLY mode when I ask it to. Maybe it’s that a whole series of jobs get lost because they were in the wrong category. Maybe user permissions don’t come over on this database because I didn’t sacrifice a chicken on the night of the blood-moon while the wind blew north-east.

Surely, by this point in my 10+ years as a database professional, 4 years at this particular company and role, I would be able to do this with my eyes closed. With no hiccups or misfires. Right? RIGHT??

murphy's law: if anything can go wrong, it will go wrong.
Full plaque samples, which are quite entertaining, can be seen here & here, to name a few.

Then Who?

Wrong. Murphy’s Law is a real thing. More than that, things CHANGE. The environment is always evolving to fit the business needs. The technology is always just a little ahead of my own knowledge-base. And every SQL instance in this environment is, unfortunately, still, a ‘pet‘. Not a ‘cattle‘ (cow?). They’re each carefully and fearfully constructed to suit a specific set of application and business needs, each with their own nuances and barely-documented dependencies.

Plus, it’s not like we’re doing these migrations very often. Anything you don’t do on a constant basis, at least a few times per week, tends to sink back toward the bottom of the mental stack, and you forget the details and gotchas that were involved because your brain needs to keep more important and relevant things near the top, for what you’re working on “right now”. This is normal, at least in my mind.

DevOps stole the cookie from the cookie jar!

Just hire a DevOps Engineer to solve all your problems. Then everything will be all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. All your servers will be cattle, replaceable little containers that are allowed to fail because there’s always another one waiting to spin-up and replace it. Not like your DATA is important or anything. It’s only the lifeblood of the entire company.

Not really sure where I was going with this. I love DevOps, don’t get me wrong, and it does have a part to play in making the traditional RDBMS platform more agile, but the devilish details and difficulties therein are ALWAYS overlooked/brushed-off in popular discourse, and it’s got me a little jaded.

I mostly wanted to finish the song I’d started with the title-blocks. =P

N.

But srsly. Instead of feeling guilty about your impostor syndrome, just own it. Be humble, but be confident in your own expertise. Realize that you will sometimes be the teacher, and sometimes the student. And hopefully more often the latter, because there’s exponentially more to learn every year we evolve on this crazy spinning rock we call Earth.

live as if you were to die tomorrow. learn as if you were to live forever. -Mahatma Gandhi
Good advice in general.

T-SQL Tuesday #119: Change of Mind

Get up, come on get down with the SPACES!

Because I’m super late (as usual), about to go to bed (because I’ll be commuting tomorrow), and lazy (aren’t we all?), this will be a quickie.

This month’s #tsqltuesday hosted by the amazing Alex Yates, in which he asks us to discuss something about which we’ve changed our minds over the course of our career (or some subset of time therein).

I’m really excited to read some of the submissions I’ve skimmed on the Twitter feed so far, such as Oracle vs. MS-SQL and the importance of diversity. After all, what else am I gonna do while I sit in the vanpool for 3 hours? (round-trip, thankfully, not one-way!)

Tabs vs. Spaces

Oh my! Them’s fightin’ words. Even back in the early days of this very blog, I wrote about my preference for tabs. But now.. *gasp*.. I’m down with the spaces!

blasphemy-300
Blasphemy of the highest order!

Why, you ask?

Well, partially because I’ve changed some of my overall T-SQL coding style preferences and methods of construction. When I learned the Alt-Shift select method (block selection, aka vertical selection) in SSMS, it definitely set me on a track away from tabs. Now I don’t go all cray-cray with vertically aligned sections/clauses/etc. too much, but I will say that in certain instances, it’s made the query much easier to read. And in such instances, spaces definitely trump tabs for ease-of-use with said vertical-alignment efforts.

If you’re not sure what I’m talking about (because, admittedly, it’s hard to write about and much easier to show visually), just search Youtube for an example of SSMS block-select tricks.

And this is within the last 4 years, so I still find old stored-procs that I’ve written that have the tabs, and I chuckle slightly to myself as I Ctrl-K-Y (that’s the Red Gate SQLPrompt shortcut to ‘format this code in my current style’) and make my modifications.

Miscellaneous Little Things

I’ve developed some other preferences, too, which contradict some of my old formative-years’ habits. For example, I used to write my TSQL in pure lowercase. I now prefer the ANSI-CAPS for language constructs and keywords, but if I ever need to write dynamic-SQL, it goes in lowercase.

caps-lock-not-always-necessary
I even re-used old images, instead of finding new ones. LAAAZZZYY!! :O)

Some of these habits come from Aaron Bertrand and other SQL-community big-name bloggers. Like preferring CONVERT over CAST, or changing from trailing-commas to leading-commas. (Although he may have flipped on that again, I can’t remember.) While others just kinda happened organically. Like, two tabs for the ON line under each JOIN — the join predicate — just felt silly after a while, so I reverted to one. I used to be stickler for forcibly quoting identifiers that collided with language keywords — like if you have a column named Date or Value, you best be puttin them square-brackets around those suckers ([Date], [Value]), but now.. honestly, I don’t care enough to bother. Unless you do something really heinous, like timestamp. =P

Anyway, that’s all I have for now. There are much more important things that I could, and should have, written about, but as I said, and as always, I’m already late to the party. ‘Til next time! ❤

T-SQL Tuesday 118: Fantasy Feature

It really shouldn’t be this difficult. But it is. And that’s why we get paid. Still, it’d be nice if load-testing were easier, wouldn’t it?

Aka “hey look at us Microsoft, we want stuff!!” Because they shut down Connect and its replacement (Azure Feedback aka rebranded UserVoice) is awful. Just plain terrible. In unrelated news, I’ve never been an MVP.. wonder why? 🙄😜

Anyhoo, this month’s invitation is brought to us by the lovely and talented Kevin Chant. He asks us to fantasize about SQL Server. No, not like that Erik, get your mind out of the gutter.

And I don’t apologize. At all.

This IS a complaint. But hopefully it’s also an idea for those who are better at building stuff than me to.. ya know.. build stuff.

And shout-out to my favorite fellow blogger Shane (@SOZDBA) who’s too polite for his own good. ❤

Load Testing is HARD.

Too hard. So hard that nobody does it. At least not productively, efficiently, or willingly. About the only times that I can personally point out an instance where I’ve actually buckled down and done something roughly comparable to a true load test (which I’ll talk about in a minute), was when I was forced to do so by my managers to prove that a hardware environment upgrade hadn’t gone awry, and that our servers truly were running at least as good as, if not better than, before.

But guess what? We never really proved anything conclusively. We had inklings, feelings, warm fuzzies.. okay maybe a DiskSpd output file or two.. which indicated that things were “mostly probably pretty good and kinda sorta better.”

Why? BECAUSE IT’S FREAKING HARD.

What is “True Load Testing”?

a graphic representing software load testing
Something like that… maybe?

Glad you asked. Simply put, it’s the ability to execute these 3 steps, easily and efficiently, with minimal configuration overhead and without needing to pour agonizingly over tomes of docs:

  1. Capture and store a SQL server workload — i.e. ALL the transactions run against an instance in a given time frame — AND performance metrics from said instance while said workload was running.
  2. Run that captured workload against another SQL server instance, and capture THE SAME performance metrics.
  3. Compare results from each set of gathered performance metrics, with a concise, easy to understand rating system that tells you which instance ran better and why.

Now, could we argue that the “capturing” of #1 adds some overhead to the instance? Sure! So I’m fine with NOT gathering the performance metrics during the same window as the workload-capture. Put it off to step 2, where we replay said workload against 1 or more instances and measure the performance on them. So we could replay the same workload on the original instance, and a new one, and we’d have our two sets of measurements to compare.

Got me? Good.

The Plumbing is There

I know. I know what you’re screaming at your monitor/screen right now. “But Nate, that’s exactly what Distributed Replay is for!!”

Bruh, have you even USED Distributed Replay?!? It’s way too complicated to set up, let alone manage and operate. Remember what I said about tomes of docs? Yeah. ANGTFT.

That’s the sad part. Microsoft has built up the plumbing and scaffolding for all of this over the past few decades. But we’ve yet to see that final layer, that chrome polish and finishing touch that makes the user go “Ahhh, now THAT was an educational and enjoyable experience!”

red easy button
Staples’ trademark be damned!

Obviously when it comes to performance metrics we’ve got a huge wealth of knowledge in the system DMVs. Great! Now let’s condense and simplify those into like 4 key ratings of your instance, for those of us who aren’t Paul Randal or Glenn Berry.

Oh, 3rd party monitoring products you say? Sure! Great! Love em. Do they do what I just said? Nope. Because “it depends.” Anybody else sick of hearing that?

It Really Shouldn’t Be This Difficult

But that’s why we get paid. Because it is. And no matter how many cloud services Azure & AWS try to shove down our throats, the reality is that enterprises will continue to rely on human engineers to prove (or disprove) that NewFancyServerX is better than OldCrappyServerA for running YourTerribleSqlWorkloadZ.

Because we can’t architect perfection. And we live in the real world where business decisions and financial constraints have an actual measurable impact on our technology stack choices and roadmaps. So I’m not saying it’s inexcusable that we don’t have this — this easy, measurable, understandable toolset for performance-load-testing — yet. I’m just saying it’s mildly annoying. And perhaps a little frustrating.

With that, I think I’ve written two angry rant-y posts in a row, so I do apologize to you, dear reader (but not, and never, to Microsoft). I’ll leave you with this cute picture of my dog being ridiculous, because it always makes me smile. Til next time!

husky dog laying on back in silly position
doggo being doggo